Inspirational Funny Quotes Biography
Quotes for training, personal development, and inspiration. Quotes provide helpful references and inspirational examples for business and life.
These quotes below here are mainly funny as well as inspirational and motivational.
Now moved to its own page, see the more serious collection of inspirational and motivational quotes for leadership, training, personal visualization, etc.
Below remain some other famous quotes, funny maxims and sayings, also love quotes for writing and speeches, fun and amusement.
Here are training cliches, maxims and sayings.
Many of the quotations here are good training aids. Quotes help convey complex issues, and can be very memorable and attitude-changing.
Some quotes are deep and meaningful; others deeply amusing, like the alleged quotes from letters to the council.
While sources are checked and clarified wherever possible, authenticity for all quotes cannot be guaranteed - these quotes are not meant to be a historical archive, they're here because they are motivational, inspirational, amusing or otherwise helpful for teachers, learners, leaders and communicators.
If you know the source of any of the unattributed quotes or sayings here please let me know so that acknowledgement can be given.
Inspirational quotes for leadership and personal development are now here.
See also the amusing real funny insurance claims, real funny Weakest Link answers, real funny Family Fortunes answers, and stories and metaphors for training and learning.
Included in this quotes page are several principles and 'laws' which are helpful in business, management, teaching and training, for example:
Parkinson's Triviality Law - also known as the Bikeshed Colour effect
The Peter Principle
The Pareto Principle (Pareto's Law, or the 80/20 Rule)
The 1st Law of Cybernetics (the Law of Requisite Variety)
Glass Half-Full or Half-Empty (have your say.. main collection now on the Glass Half-Full/Empty Quotes page)
Generations X, Y, Baby Boomers, etc
See the (now moved) collection of more serious inspirational and motivational quotes.
Please note that where quotations refer to 'man' or 'men' this is not intended to be discriminatory.
Send your favourite quote, funny saying, funny sign, funny graffiti, training maxims, or inspirational metaphors.
funny paternity explanations - (allegedly) from Child Support Agency (CSA) forms
These comments (allegedly) were provided by mothers on CSA forms in response to the CSA request for details of children's fathers. Aside from being variously amusing and sad their own right some of these quotes illustrate the admirable spirit and humour that people can exhibit in the face of personal challenge, institutional bureaucracy and what some clearly regard as an invasion of privacy.
"..I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact the BMW dealers in the area to see if he's had it replaced.."
"..I have never had sex with a man. I am waiting for a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate, and that he is Christ risen again.."
"..[XXX] is the father of child A. If you catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's?.."
"..I don't know the name of my child's father as all squaddies look the same to me, although I can confirm he was a Royal Green Jacket.."
"..I thought it was [XXX] because we definitely had sex at a time which fits with the birth of child A, but since discovering he is gay I am not so sure.."
"..Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [XXX]. I am unsure about child B but I believe he was conceived on the same night.."
"..It's difficult to remember because I was drunk on holiday in Tenerife, which was months before I got properly pregnant.."
"..I do not know the name of my daughter's father. She was conceived at a party on [date] at [venue] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good I fainted. If you manage to trace the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.."
"..I remember buying the sperm at a boot market last spring but I never kept the documentation I'm afraid.."
"..I cannot tell you the name of child A's father as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover, and that this would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.."
"..From the dates it seems my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.."
"..Regarding the identity of child A's father, putting two and two together and considering the time of year, it must have been when Father Christmas came down the chimney.."
"..I do not know the identity of my baby's father. After all, when you eat a tin of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.."
"..That night is a blur. The only thing I remember was watching a Delia Smith programme about eggs in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party, mine might have stayed unfertilised.."
"..He gave me a phone number which turned out to be one of his mates who said he'd been killed in a cement mixer accident. He was a builder and a bit stupid so I thought yes that sounds about right.."
(From various sources. If you have other quotes like these please send them.)
quotes - chinese wisdom
(Translations have been adapted for the modern age where appropriate.)
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." (attributed to Lao Tsu, aka Lao Zi, legendary Chinese Taoist philosopher, supposed to have lived between 600-400BC)
"There is no greater happiness than freedom from worry, and there is no greater wealth than contentment." (attributed to Lao Tsu, aka Lao Zi, legendary Chinese Taoist philosopher, supposed to have lived between 600-400BC)
"People's tendency towards good is as water's tendency is to flow downhill." (Mencius, Chinese philosopher, c.300BC)
"Eat less, taste more." (traditional Chinese proverb)
"Failure lies not in falling down. Failure lies in not getting up." (traditional Chinese proverb)
"The higher my rank, the more humbly I behave. The greater my power, the less I exercise it. The richer my wealth, the more I give away. Thus I avoid, respectively, envy and spite and misery." (Sun Shu Ao, Chinese minister from the Chu Kingdom, Zhou Dynasty, c.600BC)
"Success under a good leader is the people's success." (attributed to Lao Tsu, aka Lao Zi, legendary Chinese Taoist philosopher, supposed to have lived between 600-400BC)
"Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others." (Confucius, Chinese philosopher, 551-479 BC)
"Softness overcomes hardness." (Zuo Qiuming, court writer of the State of Lu, and contemporary of Confucius, c.500BC)
"The greatest capability of superior people is that of helping other people to be virtuous." (Mencius, Chinese philosopher, c.300BC)
"A great man is hard on himself; a small man is hard on others." (Confucius, Chinese philosopher, 551-479 BC)
"Failure is the mother of success." (traditional Chinese proverb)
"It is not wise for a blind man, riding a blind horse, to approach the edge of a deep pond." (traditional Chinese proverb)
"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand." (attributed to Confucius, Chinese philosopher, 551-479 BC, however the origins of this quote are arguably from the writing of the Chinese scholar Xunzi, 340-245 BC, for which clearer evidence seems to exist. The origin of the quote attributed to Confucius is not certain. The Xunzi quote - which is more subtle and complex, and literally translates as: "Not hearing is not as good as hearing, hearing is not as good as seeing, seeing is not as good as mentally knowing, mentally knowing is not as good as acting; true learning continues up to the point that action comes forth [or, only when a thing produces action can it be said to have been truly learned]" - can be traced to an original work, but it seems the Confucius version cannot. It is possible that the Western world simplified and attributed the quote to Confucius, being a popularly quoted source of Chinese wisdom. Thanks K Bennett.)
"He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask is a fool for ever." (traditional Chinese proverb)
"With a strong heart and a ready mind what have I to fear?" (Chu Yuan, aka Qu Yuan, Chinese politician-turned-poet, c.300BC - China's first great poet and considered the father of Chinese poetry, his death by drowning in 278BC is celebrated every year on the Day of Dragon Boat Festival)
"Half an orange tastes as sweet as a whole one." (traditional Chinese proverb)
"The wise man puts himself last and finds himself first." (attributed to Lao Tsu, aka Lao Zi, legendary Chinese Taoist philosopher, supposed to have lived between 600-400BC)
"He knows most who says he knows least." (Confucius, Chinese philosopher, 551-479 BC)