Funny Mother Quotes Biography
A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. -Tenneva Jordan
Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love. -Mildred B. Vermont
A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. -Peter De Vries
The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman
I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. -Abraham Lincoln
Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together. -Pearl S. Buck
The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. -Honoré de Balzac
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. -Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy. -Spanish Proverb
She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along. -Margaret Culkin Banning
When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. -Sophia Loren, Women and Beauty
Motherhood has a very humanizing effect. Everything gets reduced to essentials. -Meryl Streep
In all my efforts to learn to read, my mother shared fully my ambition and sympathized with me and aided me in every way she could. If I have done anything in life worth attention, I feel sure that I inherited the disposition from my mother. -Booker T. Washington
Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease. -Lisa Alther
Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown? What's that suppose to mean? In my heart it don't mean a thing. -Toni Morrison, Beloved
A mother's happiness is like a beacon, lighting up the future but reflected also on the past in the guise of fond memories. -Honoré de Balzac
With what price we pay for the glory of motherhood. -Isadora Duncan
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. -Erich Fromm
I miss thee, my Mother! Thy image is still
The deepest impressed on my heart.
Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall; A mother's secret hope outlives them all. -Oliver Wendell Holmes
Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother's love is not. -James Joyce
Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. -Oprah Winfrey
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. -Mark Twain
My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her. -George Washington
There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. -Erma Bombeck
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. -Erma Bombeck
Life began with waking up and loving my mother's face. -George Eliot
Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. -Ambrose Bierce
If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. -Ferrell Sims
Motherhood is neither a duty nor a privilege, but simply the way that humanity can satisfy the desire for physical immortality and triumph over the fear of death. -Rebecca West
The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant—and let the air out of the tires. -Dorothy Parker
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. -Florida Scott-Maxwell
The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent. -Erich Fromm
There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one. -Jill Churchill
Mothers are all slightly insane. -J.D. Salinger
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. -Phyllis Diller
Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs... since the payment is pure love. -Mildred B. Vermont
When I stopped seeing my mother with the eyes of a child, I saw the woman who helped me give birth to myself. -Nancy Friday
Mama exhorted her children at every opportunity to 'jump at de sun.' We might not land on the sun, but at least we would get off the ground. -Zora Neale Hurston
Time is the only comforter for the loss of a mother. -Jane Welsh Carlyle
A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary. -Dorothy Canfield Fisher
A mother's love is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking, it never fails or falters, even though the heart is breaking. -Helen Rice
A mother's arms are more comforting than anyone else's. -Diana, Princess of Wales
By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class. -Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Mother is the name of God in the lips and hearts of children. -William Makepeace Thackeray
Whenever I'm with my mother, I feel as though I have to spend the whole time avoiding land mines. -Amy Tan, The Kitchen God's Wife
If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much. -Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis
The mother's heart is the child's schoolroom. -H.W. Beecher
The hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.
"I know how to do anything—I'm a mom."
— Roseanne Barr
"My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia."
— Dame Edna Everage
"I'm a mother with two small children, so I don't take as much crap as I used to."
— Pamela Anderson
"Nobody loves me but my mother,
And she could be jivin' too."
— B. B. King
"If my mom reads that I'm grammatically incorrect, I'll have hell to pay."
— Larisa Oleynik
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
— Jack Nicholson
"My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance."
— Tim Allen
"When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."
— Erma Bombeck
"There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it."
— Chinese Proverbs
"A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car for ever after."
— Peter De Vries
"The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing."
— Kin Hubbard
"As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied."
— Oscar Wilde
"Neurotics build castles in the air; psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them."
— Rita Rudner
"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
— Rodney Dangerfield
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
— Phyllis Diller
"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
— Milton Berle
"My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up."
— Louie Anderson
"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."
— Rita Rudner
"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'"
— Steven Wright
"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."
— Wendy Liebman
"It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely. But the desire to beget children is a natural urge."
— Phyllis Diller
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
— Paula Poundstone
"My mother never breast fed me; she told me she only liked me as a friend."
— Rodney Dangerfield
"My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh."
— Bob Monkhouse
"I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me."
— Calvin (Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes)
"Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it."
— Calvin (Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes)
"You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, 'Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."
— Homer Simpson (on The Simpsons)