Funny Comedian Quotes Biography
worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, "well stop clicking your fingers!"
I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies, only I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops".
Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".
Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
When someone close to you dies, move seats.
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me."
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."