Family Guy Funny Quotes Biography
very funny quotes from Family Guy
"Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually."
- Peter in Family Guy, Loaded Weapons
"I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it."
"Butter's in the fridge!"
- Peter and Quagmire in Family Guy, Viewer mail #1
"Good, I don't have to cook."
"Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out. I don't want you to get rusty."
- Lois and Peter in From Method to Madness
"Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date?"
"The same thing that always happens, she was an idiot."
- Peter and Brian in Brian Wallows and Peter Swallows
"By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins."
- Stewie in A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas
"For me? Please?"
"All right, all right, but you owe me. Later, under the mistletoe, open mouth, no matter how drunk I am."
- Lois and Peter in A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas
"You don't have to quit the force. I mean, you could get a desk job. Eh? You could be a desk."
- Peter in Ready, Willing and Disabled
"What's a library, dad?"
"Oh, it's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go BM."
- Chris and Peter in Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?
"I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!"
"Good lord! Can he really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?"
- Robber and Stewie in To Live and Die in Dixie
"Are you gonna miss me?"
"Only until I go to the newsstand and buy a Hustler."
- Lois and Peter in A Fish Out of Water
"Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?"
"Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes."
- Brian and Peter in A Fish Out of Water
"Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside."
- Stewie in The Kiss Seen Around the World
"I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about."
- Peter in Lethal Weapons
"Everybody! Guess what I am?"
"Hmm, the end result of a drunken back seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?"
- Meg and Stewie in And the Wiener is
"Here's to our wives! They may not be as hot as the women you see on TV, or as entertaining, but, um ... y'know, I don't know where I'm going with this, but thanks anyway."
- Peter in One if by Clam, Two if by Sea
"Dad, what's the blow-hole for?"
"I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World."
- Chris and Peter in Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington
"Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk."
- Stewie in Brian Does Hollywood
"You're drunk again."
"No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking."
- Lois and Peter in Wasted Talent
"Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery."
- Peter in Wasted Talent
"Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different."
"Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells."
- Lois and Stewie in Story on Page 1
"He's tasting victory. I bet it tastes good, like salt-water taffy or a Chunky."
- Cleveland in Wasted Talent
"See, Meg, things always work out if you just do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences."
- Peter in The Story on Page 1
"A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, Bam! Herpes."
- Peter in There's Something About Paulie
"I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal."
- Peter in Let's Go to the Hop
"I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection."
- Brian in Road to Rhode Island
"Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster."
- Stewie in I am Peter, Hear me Roar
"What's this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G ... oh, that's better than sex!"
- Stewie in Love Thy Trophy
Stewie, did you unhook mommy's bra?
- Lois in Brian in Love
"I don't take coupons from giant chickens, not after last time."
- Peter in DaBoom
"Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross and they are certainly not an enchanted forest."
- Lois in Holy Crap
"Your aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at me while she's burning in hell, may she rest in peace."
- Peter in Peter, Peter Caviar Eater
"For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!"
- Stewie in Mind Over Murder
Peter: Oh my God, Brian, there's a message in my alpha-bits, it says "Ooooooo"
Brian: Peter, those are cheerios.
Peter: Excuse me, is your refridgerater running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.
Vacuum repairman: There you go, all fixed. Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake.
Peter: Oh. Well, did you save it?
Vacuum repairman: Uh, no.
Peter: You bastard.
Peter: I'm not afraid of anything, I laugh in the face of Death. See HAHAHAHA.
Death: Oh great! Thanks a lot. As if it wasnt already hard enough to fit in.
[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.
Counselor: I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.
Peter: Wow, just like that show Big Brother ... except somebody'll be watching.
Lois: Where would he go?
Peter: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and Crackerjacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute, I really hope he's dead.
Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.
Stewie's Letter: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie.
P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.
Pope - No one embarrasses the Pope and gets away with it [Looks up at the sky], SMITE THEM!
(waits for a few seconds)
Pope - He's cooking up a something good!
Stewie: Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well, that would just leave England.
Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
Lois: I am not a crazy broad!
Peter: Oh, no, no, Lois, he didn't mean you're crazy like Elizabeth Taylor. He meant you're crazy, like that glue. You stick to things, y'know, like an adhesive. That's all he meant.
Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm alergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?
Man: Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding mellons.
Man: And her hooters aint bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem .
Man: Your wife's hot.
Peter: Alright that's it!
Peter: Wow, that Lois is some kinda woman.
Quagmire: Yeah, just thinkin' about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Ooh, speak of the devil. Ooh, make the devils.
Peter: Look at this, Lois, see right here [points in book], I was voted most likely to succeed!
Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook, it's a People magazine.
Peter: Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name.
Lois: You're drunk again.
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.
Peter: I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.
Peter: That was then and this is now. And this is a chair. And that's a lamp. And you have boobies. And I'm gonna find that trophy.
Meg: I like him, he remembers my name!
Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.
Peter: Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
Peter: Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
Lois: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over me.
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.
Stewie: There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.
Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a RANT here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate.
Peter: What the hell does RANT mean?
Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat.
Chris: I want a new hat.
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!
[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...
Peter: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.
Head Scout: You've got three days to earn a badge.
Peter: Three days! That's tomorrow! We gotta get going.
Peter: I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!
Peter: Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?
Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Eliza: Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter.
Stewie: I was curious!
Lois: Peter, why would they make you presidesnt?
Peter: Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second - RARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
Brian: Oh my god. They ate Tricia Takanawa.
Peter: Why? They're just gonna get hungry again in an hour.
Stewie: Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.
Chris: I don't think I like feet as much as you do.
Quagmire: Everybody likes feet.
Peter: Sorry Meg. Daddy loves ya, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.
Lois: Come on Stewie, you know you can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Well, then I shall sit here until one of us expires, and you've got a good forty years on me, woman.
Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane ...
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers.
Lois: Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date?
Brian: The same thing that always happens, she was an idiot.
Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?
Quagmire: Oh, Lois, I'd do everything to you.
Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.
Peter: I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal.
UPS Woman: Package for Mr. G. Quagmire.
Quagmire: OK, hold on a sceond. [Shuts door, takes pants off, and opens door again]
Quagmire: I've got a package for you too... [Showing penis] Alright!
Peter: No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it.
Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian ... Nosotros caramos ir condustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy(spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak english
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?
Security Guard: Alright son, we're gonna need those two hams back.
Chris: Huh? I don't have any hams.
Guard: Lift up your shirt, son.
Chris: I need an adult! I need an adult!
Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty fat fatty. Hey Tom he's just a fat kid! Aren't you, fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.
Cleveland Jr: Honey comb big, yeah yeah yeah. It's not small, no no no.
Peter (to Meg): Remember that pony you wanted when you were 6? Well I've been waitin for a time like this.
(opens closet door and a skeleton of a pony is there)
Peter: Oh, oh god, that's right ponies, ponies like food.
Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it.
Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle i find, i shall KILL you.
Lois: A woman is not an object.
Peter: Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says.
Mayor West: MY GOD! Someones stealing my water!
Meg: But it just went down the drain.
Mayor West: The hit when you least expect it.
Mayor West: SHOW YOURSELVES COWARDS! I've spent $1000 dollars of the tax payers money trying to find these thieves and I'll spend $1000000 if thats what it takes!
Meg: You know, I think I have my story.
Mayor West: NO! WAIT! You can't print that! Thank god shes just a figment of my imagination.
Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg Griffin: No.
Glen Quagmire: Just checkin'.
Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!
Cleveland: Here's to Joe, who helped little Paul get a new liver and, barring a massive infection, a new lease on life.
Peter: There's gotta be an explanation for all this.
Brian: You want an explanation? God is pissed!
Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned down our porta-potties and I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.
Peter: Gays don't vommit. They're a very clean people. And they have been ever since they came to this country from France.
Chris: When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah ... ow. Oh, now I don't know math.
Peter: I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in.
Brian: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
I.R.S. Representative:Well sir, I'm afraid that your not qualified for a tax refund.
Peter:AAAHHHHH... ohh sorry, i still haven't gotten over the loss of party of five.
I.R.S.: Well as I was saying you are not getting a tax refund.
Peter:AAAHHHHHH... oh Party of Five. What were you saying?
IRS: You're not intitled for a tax refund.
IRS: Was that for Party of Five again?
Peter: No, that was for my tax refund! What the hell is Party of Five!?
Quagmire: So, you ladies ever been penetrated?
Peter: [writing letter] Dear MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.
Peter: I told Lois I wouldn't drink
Quagmire: Don't feel so bad Peter
Peter: Hey, I never thought of it that way.
Lois: Peter you have to go to work.
Peter: That's nothing a phone call can't fix.
Peter: [Dialing phone] Hello Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. My family was in a terrible plane crash and I'm a vegetable. See you tomorow.
Stewie: I'd love to stay and chat but, you're a total bitch.