Funny Quotes For Kids Biography
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As parents, we teach our kids that lying is bad and that honesty is the best policy. That's all good and fine, until your kid goes and starts telling the truth all the time ... to your mother-in-law ("Mom says you're mean!"), to the sales clerk ("Who on earth would ever pay for this ugly thing!?") and to the random man next to you on the corner ("Excuse me, why are you so old?"). Here are our favorite, funniest quotes from our members' honest kids.
Kids’ Deep Thoughts
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
Home is where the house is.
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it was just a lawn mower.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?”
If we could just get everyone to close his or her eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed.” ~ Eat Pray Love screenplay
“Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage.” ~ Marcelene Cox
“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” ~ Kally, age 9
“How is it that I can start the day as Mary Poppins, only to end the day as Cruella Deville?” ~ Mom’s the Word: Remixed (stage play)
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” ~ Lane Olinghouse
“The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed.” ~ Author Unknown
“Parents are not interested in justice; they are interested in quiet.” ~ Bill Cosby
“There are three reasons for breast-feeding: the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can’t get it.” ~ Irena Chalmers
Packing with a Three Year Old – Anonymous
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, “Daddy, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers,” pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, “What’s wrong, honey?” She replied, “What happened to my booger?”
“If your baby is beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time, you’re the grandma.” ~ Theresa Bloomingdale
“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.” ~ Bill Cosby
“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” ~ Bobby, Age 8
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” ~ Erma Bombeck
“Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” ~ Bill Cosby
“If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says “keep away from children.” ~ Susan Savannah
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” ~ Leo Burke
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.” ~ Raymond Duncan
“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.” ~ Fran Lebowitz, Social Studies
“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.” ~ Bill Cosby
Little Girl on a Plane – Anonymous
A California congressman was seated next to a little girl on the flight to D.C., when the politician turned to her and said,’Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
‘ The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked, ‘What would you like to talk about?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the congressman. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he grins.
OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass – . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’
The politician, now visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.
‘ To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know poop