Funny Basketball Quotes Biography
This week, in my continuing "Top 15 Funniest Quotes," I take on basketball. I don't know about you, but basketball is no longer about the actual sport, now it's about entertainment. Here's the top 15 quotes I could find in no particular order. If you have any more to share, feel free to do so. Enjoy!
15. "What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?"—Woody Allen
14. "They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds."—Wilt Chamberlain
13. "Fans never fall asleep at our games, because they're afraid they might get hit by a pass."—George Raveling
12. "If I weren’t earning $3 million a year to dunk a basketball, most people on the street would run in the other direction if they saw me coming."—Charles Barkley
11. "Basketball doesn’t build character. It reveals it."—Unknown
10. "The invention of basketball was not an accident.It was developed to meet a need. Those boys simply would not play “Drop the Handkerchief.”—James Naismith
9. "These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it."—Charles Barkley
8. "I knew I was dog meat. Luckily, I'm the high-priced dog meat that everybody wants. I'm the good-quality dog meat. I'm the Alpo of the NBA."—Shaquille O'Neal
7. "There are really only two plays: Romeo and Juliet, and put the darn ball in the basket." - Abe Lemons
6. "We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors."—Weldon Drew
5. "Any time Detroit scores more than a hundred points and holds the other team below a hundred points, they almost always win."—Doug Collins
4. "I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either."—Dave Barry
3. "The secret is to have eight great players and four others who will cheer like crazy." - Jerry Tarkanian
2. "Any American boy can be a basketball star if he grows up, up, up."—Bill Vaughn
1. "You don't play against opponents, you play against the game of basketball."—Bobby Knight
For those of you interested in my first two articles in this series, here they are.
Week 1: The Funny Side Of Golf: Top 15 Golf Quotes
Week 2: Top 15 Funniest Quotes from Soccer Players, Managers, and Commentators
"These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it."
- Charles Barkley
“If you make every game a life and death proposition, you're going to have problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot.”
“Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is best.
“After Michael Jordan had scored a play-off record 69 points - I'll always remember this as the night Michael and I combined to score 70 points.”
“I'm in favour of drug tests, just so long as they are multiple choice.”
“ I only know how to play two ways: reckless and abandon.”
Earvin 'Magic' Johnson
"I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either."
"I look at the NBA as a football game without the helmet."
"If you are going to take it to the bank, then you better cash it in."
“The secret is to have eight great players and four others who will cheer like crazy.”
“In my prime I could have handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would be only 12 years old.”
“Sometimes a player's greatest challenge is coming to grips with his role on the team.”
“On the seemingly one-sided relationship between Michael Jordan and his shoe sponsors Nike- The company should change its name to Mike.”
“You can say something to popes, kings and presidents, but you can't talk to officials. In the next war they ought to give everyone a whistle.”
Abe Lemmons (1977)
"Some things you just can't question. Like you can't question why two plus two is four. So don't question it, don't try to look it up. I don't know who made it, all I know is it was put in my head that two plus two is four. So certain things happen. Why does it rain? Why am I so sexy? I don't know."
"But you have to understand, my beard is so nasty. I mean, it's the only beard in the history of Western civilization that makes Bob Dylan's beard look good."
“One man can be a crucial ingredient on a team, but one man cannot make a team.”
"Fans never fall asleep at our games, because they're afraid they might get hit by a pass."
“Basketball is like photography, if you don't focus, all you have is the negative.
“The way my team are doing, we could get Wilt Chamberlain in a trade and find out that he's really two midgets Scotch-taped together.”
Gene Shue (1967)
“Basketball has so much showboating you'd think it was invented by Jerome Kern.”
“If you can walk with your head in the clouds and keep your feet on the ground, you can make a million dollars in the NBA.”
Gary Dornhoefer (1975)
"Tracy McGrady is doing things we’ve never seen from anybody – from any planet!"
"The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking about manic depression, she asked, 'How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?' A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, 'A basketball coach?'"
Old Basketball Joke
“Any American boy can be a basketball star if he grows up, up, up.”
“Winning is like deodorant - it comes up and a lot of things don't stink.”
“On the best tactic when playing alongside Kareem Abdul-Jabbar- Just give him the ball.”
Earvin 'Magic' Johnson
“In basketball, the first person to touch the ball shoots it. Either that or the coach carefully diagrams a set play and then the first player to touch it shoots it.”
“Nobody roots for Goliath.”
"There are really only two plays: Romeo and Juliet, and put the darn ball in the basket."
"They shot the ball well early. What comes out of the microwave hot doesn't always stay hot. I know, because I eat bagels in the morning."
“Boards, Boards, Boards”
"Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious."
"I knew I was dog meat. Luckily, I'm the high-priced dog meat that everybody wants. I'm the good-quality dog meat. I'm the Alpo of the NBA."
"We're shooting 100 percent - 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line."
“Magic Johnson is the best player who plays on the ground, and Michael Jordan is the best player who plays in the air.”
“Basketball is like war in that offensive weapons are developed first, and it always takes a while for the defense to catch up.”
“If cocaine were helium, the NBA would float away.”
“We told Stanley Roberts to go on a water diet, and Lake Superior disappeared. Pat Williams When Xavier McDaniel plays against Orlando Wooldridge, it's a coach's dream - X vs O.”
“Basketball, a game which won't be fit for people until they set the basket umbilicus-high and return the giraffes to the zoo.”
"John Stockton is one of the true marvels, not just of basketball, or in America, but in the history of Western Civilization!”
Tom Hammond: “Wow, that’s a pretty strong statement. I guess I don’t have a good handle on world history.”
Bill: “Well Tom, that’s because you didn’t go to UCLA."
“My responsibility is getting all my players playing for the name on the front of the jersey, not the one on the back.”
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, on what he told a player who received four F's and one D “A tough day at the office is even tougher when your OFFICE contains spectator seating.”
"They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds."
“There are some remarkable parallels between basketball and politics. Michael Jordan has already mastered the skill most needed for political success: how to stay aloft without visible means of support.”
Margaret Thatcher (1992)
“Shooting is just like toenails. They may fall off occasionally, but you know they'll always come back.”
Charles Johnson (1977)
“Part of the charm of basketball lies in the fact that it's a simple game to understand. Players race up and down a fairly small area indoors and stuff the ball into a ring with Madonna's dress hanging on it.”
Dan Jenkins You Call It Sports... (1989)
“If the NBA were on channel 5 and a bunch of frogs making love were on channel 4, I'd watch the frogs, even if they were coming in fuzzy.”
"We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors."
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice
“If you meet the Buddha in the lane, feed him the ball.”
“You don't hesitate with Michael, or you'll end up on some poster in a gift shop someplace.”
“On his telepathic understanding with James Worthy- It's almost like we have ESPN.”
Earvin 'Magic' Johnson
“I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.”
"What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?"
“On Atlanta's proposed Dominique Wilkins Freeway- That's the one with all the 'No Passing' signs.”
Anon Atlanta disc jockey
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992
“Going into a game against Lew Alcindor [later Kareem Abdul-Jabbar] is like going into a knife fight and finding there's no blade in your handle.”
“I believe in higher education. You know, 6'8", 6'9", 6'10"
“On how to make the game more exciting - Eliminate the referees, raise the basket four feet, double the size of the basketball, limit the height of the players to 5 feet 9 inches, bring back the centre jump, allow taxi drivers in for free and allow the players to carry guns.”
“To say a good defensive center is more important than a high-scoring forward is like saying that the intestinal tract is more vital than the circulatory system.”
"This [basketball] is the second most exciting indoor sport , and the other one shouldn't have spectators."
On his academic aspirations –“ The only way I can make five As is when I sign my name.”
“The trouble with officials is they just don't care who wins.”
“Here's a six-foot-ten guy in sneakers and the lady's asking me, 'Profession?”
Jack McMahon (1965)
“On females officiating in the NBA -Incompetence should not be confined to one sex.”
Bill Russell (1976)
"Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It's up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards."
“The invention of basketball was not an accident. It was developed to meet a need. Those boys simply would not play "Drop the Handkerchief."
“I never thought I'd lead the NBA in rebounding, but I got a lot of help from my team-mates - they did a lot of missing.”
“Many Americans follow pro basketball from November through June, for reasons that I found unexplainable, other than the fact that they were overly fascinated with soaring armpits.”
Dan Jenkins You Call It Sports... (1989)
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player
“The game is too long, the season is too long and the players are too long.”
Jack Dolph (1973)