Funny Quote Of The Day Biography
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent you money. If you are my parents, please send me money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me a lot of money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call you sooner.
Hi! (now you say nothing.)
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of those magnet thingies.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, a hot tub, or any subscriptions and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through to office. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and you number where I can reach you, and I will think about returning your call.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi. This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a me a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hi. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning you weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
Hello, you've reached Rod and Lisa. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Lisa likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it side to side… real slow. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
We had gay burglars the other night.
They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
-- Robin Williams
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a
woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Lewis Grizzard
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
-- Author Unknown
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
-- Henry Kissenger (former U.S. Secretary of State)
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
-- Author Unknown
"If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?"
-- Robin Williams
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Richard Jeni
"I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department
four days to put it out."
-- Dolly Parton
"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a
plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across
that floor. I told him he was grounded."
-- Tim Allen
"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."
-- Timothy Leary
"Burritos are sleeping bags for ground beef."
-- Mitch Hedberg
"My folks first met on the subway trying to pick each others pockets."
-- Freddie Prinze
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
-- Jeff Foxworthy
"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing
quite well for themselves."
-- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save
the infant's life without even considering if there is
a man on base."
-- Dave Barry
"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins
into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel
to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall."
-- Mitch Hedberg
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee...
the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
-- Dan Rather (News anchorman)
"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating,
and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks."
-- Joe E. Lewis
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
-- Samuel Goldwyn
"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever
stole it is spending less than my wife."
-- Ilie Nastase
"What do people mean when they say the computer went
down on them?"
-- Marilyn Pittman