Friday, 11 January 2013

Funny t Shirt Quotes

Funny t Shirt Quotes Biography
Get Your Funny T Shirts Here You love to smile. You love to see other people smile, too. Why not enjoy grins wherever you go by stocking up on funny t shirts that are guaranteed to get noticed? At, we specialize in delivering the biggest selection of funny t shirts you’ll find anywhere.

Our selection of funny t shirts is so big in fact, here’s some advice for choosing just the right fit for you. The first rule to follow is go with what you know – after all, you know what’s funny when you see it. When it strikes you just right, don’t hesitate. Snap that funny t-shirt up.

You'll notice a reaction when observers of your funny novelty t-shirt bother to leave their insulated bubbles and communicate with you in public. They'll even say stuff that will point out your great taste in funny t shirts, and this will remind you that you're not alone in this cruel world. Heck, they may even buy you a beer!It's not a cruel world, you'll realize. It's a world filled with love. Love, and funny t shirts.

With the funniest of the funny t shirts the most important rule of thumb is this: get there first. Or, at the least second. If you're in the early-adopter stage of a funny t-shirt's life cycle, you're right where you wanna be. Please don't pain everyone with your too-tired-for-words funny t shirt circa 1996. Unless you’re being ironic with those funny t shirts from 1996. In this case, well, you’re in luck. There’s something you probably aren’t aware of – namely, we’re old!

Don't mess around. Go to the best-known location for funny t shirts. Our online shop will always have the best and newest funny design. In fact, at the T-Shirt Outlet, we’ve got the whole thing figured out, too. After all, we've been around since 1996. Yes, that year! So, we know funny t shirts and we know what the newest funny t shirts are, too.

We’re the ones to come to for The Office t-shirts, including licensed Dunder Mifflin shirts, and righteous House MD tees, and we have a ton of other movie and TV inspired shirts. We’re here for you. Take a look at our funny t shirts. You’ll see we’ve got a little bit of everything to put a smile on your face.

Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?

I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you’re next.

Please don’t make me kill you.

And your point is…?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re ok now.

I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.

You KNOW you want me.

Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time…

Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.

If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.

Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.

I’m out of estrogen and I have a gun

(1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t!

(2) I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

(3) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

(4) You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

(5) Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

(6) I’m not a complete idiot–some parts are missing.

(7) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

(8) NyQuil – The stuffy, sneezy, why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

(9) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather . . . not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

(10) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

(11) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

(12) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

(13) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

(14) MOP AND GLOW – Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

(15) Frankly, Scallop, I Don’t Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)

(16) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up

(17) Procrastinate Now

(18) Rehab Is for Quitters

(19) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
Funny t Shirt Quotes
Funny t Shirt Quotes
Funny t Shirt Quotes
Funny t Shirt Quotes
Funny t Shirt Quotes
Funny t Shirt Quotes
Funny t Shirt Quotes
Funny t Shirt Quotes
Funny t Shirt Quotes
Funny t Shirt Quotes
Funny t Shirt Quotes

Funny God Quotes

Funny God Quotes Biography
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”

Sometimes it’s easy for us Christians to take ourselves just a wee bit too seriously. We like to think that Jesus had at least a bit of a sense of humor and believe that laughter can usually help us through the toughest of times. It can also deepen our connection to God.

Take some time browsing through our list of Funny / Humorous Church Sign Sayings. Some of the messages submitted had us rolling on the floor. You can help cheer up your fellows and the whole community with one very simple, very humorous church sign saying.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth
was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed,
and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let
them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the
air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping
thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own
image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and
Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live
long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent
double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil
with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own

And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought
forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced
with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact
statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was
stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing
at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the
first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to
know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What
about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a
huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light,
assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would
obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light
out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and
the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let
waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may
fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval
from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife
Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days.
Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application
and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing.
Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell.

Adam was returning home late one night. When Eve confronted him.
"You are seeing another woman, aren't you?" she accused.

"Don't be silly," he replied. "You are the only woman on earth."

Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle on his chest.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked Eve.

"What do you think?" she asked. "I am counting your ribs."
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come
in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path
of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you!" 
An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the
"accidents" that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he
said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw the grizzly was closing. 

Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He
looked again and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell
to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right
over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw
strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God...!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help
you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical to
ask to be religious after all these years, but perhaps you could make
the bear religious?"

"Very well" said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

..and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together
and bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to
receive, I am truly thankful..."
Funny God Quotes 
Funny God Quotes 
Funny God Quotes 
Funny God Quotes 
Funny God Quotes 
Funny God Quotes 
Funny God Quotes 
Funny God Quotes 
Funny God Quotes 
Funny God Quotes 
Funny God Quotes 

Funny Tv Quotes

Funny Tv Quotes Biography
 "'The more things change, the more they stay the same.' I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare, or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.
   I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected...who knows what other pain might be out there. Chances are it could be even worse.
  So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict; you're not killing anyone...except maybe yourself a little.
   When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really, really close, which, thank God, they never do.
   But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever...that you'll never have to change again." ~ Ephram Brown from 'Everwood'

   "If this is my future even my past is starting to look good." ~ Ephram Brown from 'Everwood'

   "Anything good that happens to me gets bad, anything bad that happens gets worse...whatever's humanly possible." ~ Ephram Brown from 'Everwood'

   "Godforbid I turn out to be normal, not some magazine cover." ~ Ephram Brown from 'Everwood'

   "U know, you're the only person left I can trust.  I don't know if that's sad or poetic." ~ Ephram Brown from 'Everwood'
   “If I were physically capable of making myself feel better wouldn't I do that? It's not like I enjoy feeling miserable.” ~ Amy Abbott from 'Everwood'

   "As it turns out anything I think is wrong and dumb." ~ Amy Abbott from 'Everwood'

   "It's just my brother tried to piss me off today and it worked.  Two points for him.  Woo hoo!" ~ Amy Abbott from 'Everwood'

   "Maybe I am clueless and don't have a plan.  So are a lot of people.  Someone's gotta represent." ~ Bright Abbott from 'Everwood'

   “Dear Valentine, come away with me. If I had a day with you and you only, I would enjoy the simple things. The things that bring joy to the drudgery and the mundane, the things that, in the end, when time steals the rest away, are the only things we'll remember. I would paddle you across a still lake in a rowboat and read poetry to you until you fell asleep, and I would never ever think about the hours.
   Dear Valentine, if I had one day with you and you only, I would admire every line of your face, every strand of your hair, every graceful movement of your hands or your eyes or your body. If I had one perfect day. Don't you see, my heart beats only for you?
   Dear Valentine, these are the things I remember, my love... A warm hand, your warm breath, your warm mouth, your arms around mine. I remember feeling safe, ceaseless, like one person, the two of us, still, at rest, entwined. I remember how I felt the first time I kissed you. It felt like... the high dive. What do you remember? How will I ever know what was inside your heart? Where do they go, all the things we think and feel but don't say?
   Dear Valentine, these are the things I never told you, these are the things I need you to know... that I loved you always, and my love was so big, it lives still after you're gone. I'd like to tell you that I would do it differently, that if I had one more day I would do everything right. But I know that not to be true. I'd make all the same mistakes. That is, except one... I wouldn't say good-bye.” ~ Andy Brown from 'Everwood'
   "Odds are something the ordinary use for incentive or excuse." ~ Andy Brown from 'Everwood'
   "In the end pain was always preferable to nothing." ~ Andy Brown from 'Everwood'

   "Love's not worth a whole lot if you keep it to yourself." ~ Andy Brown from 'Everwood'

   "Problems that are buried have some way of digging themselves up again." ~ Andy Brown from 'Everwood'

  "What's the point of hating someone else when hating myself is so richly deserved?" ~ Harold Abbott from 'Everwood'

   "Dreams aren't meant to be understood, just like tragedy isn't supposed to be adverted.  Life just happens to us as it's supposed to.  We learn to be happy when it's good and count our blessings when it goes wrong, and the only certainty is all of it just keeps happening." ~ Harold Abbott from 'Everwood'

    “Therapy is like Vegas. The decent odds are with the house.” ~ Harold Abbott from 'Everwood'

   "In the end, it's all passion." ~ Will from 'Everwood'

   "Some people see the forest, some people see the trees." ~ Will from 'Everwood'

   "Don't feel sorry for forgetting, feel sorry for yourself.  There's a whole world happening, and you're just asleep." ~ Julia Abbott from 'Everwood'

   "I owe God some serious vegetables." ~ Hannah from 'Everwood'

   "Like the man with the printing press said, at some point we all have something we just have to do. The gear spins. Sometimes the spin gets you what you want, sometimes it pushes it even further away. Either way, you have to respect the machine." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "Playing pretend, make believe, it may be the one thing we never outgrow." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'
   “It's overwhelming really. So much purports to be extraordinary everywhere you go, it's hard to say what really is anymore. But like an elegantly articulated brushstroke or a perfect piece of music, or even a flawed one, you know it when you see it. It fills you with a flush. It holds your breath for you. You know you're in the presence of extraordinary when there's just no guessing. And the only thought you can carry is a determination to do even better yourself.” ~ Narrator
   “Forget for a minute what the real world looks like. Forget what you know you know. Sometimes you need to believe in what isn't exactly there: A daydream of better nights, a storybook fantasy where life is ordered and consistent and tales get a bit awefully exciting before wrapping up nicely for all involved.” ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   “Right or wrong, it's always easier to believe in what isn't there. Rockwell himself put it pretty well, he said: "The view of life I communicate in my pictures excludes the sorted and the ugly. I paint life as I would like it to be.” ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   “You know you're in the presence of extraordinary when there's just no guessing. And the only thought you can carry is a determination to do even better yourself.” Narrator from 'Everwood'

   “There are things that we should never utter, and there are the things we need to hear to believe.  But the ones that stay with us are the things we long to say, but can’t.” ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "Dreams are our world turned upside down...the world of dreams are not our world, but for the death of everything it changes our perception.  This is what makes dreams so deceiving." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "Michelangelo said the best way to judge the essential elements of a sculpture is to throw it down a hill and the unimportant pieces will break away. Sometimes life is like that. It tosses us down a hill. But when we reach the bottom and only the important things are left, that's when our vision clears. That's when we hold on tight to what we know, while hope stirs inside us. It's all a matter of perspective." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "There are moments in life so archetypaly perfect, that there's only one right thing to say. But as humans, each with our own idiosyncrasies, we may not always respond the way the universe or say, our parents want or expect us to. It is at moments such as these that we realize that the truth has a distinct cost that can't be bargained down. And in these moments, we must choose whether to pay the price." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "When the pressure is on, it's often the times of crisis that bring a family together...Pressure also has a way of exposing our fault lines. Bringing to the surface things that might better have stayed buried deep below. Once they're out though, they're awful hard to put back." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   “A heart is a fragile thing. That's why we protect them so vigorously, give them away so rarely, and why it means so much when we do. Some hearts are more fragile than others. Purer, somehow. Like crystal in a world of glass, even the way they shatter is beautiful." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   “When things are working right in the universe, a loss of innocence is usually followed, in time, by an increase in humanity...Time is funny like that. For everything it robs us of, it grants us something. Sometimes it's a new friend, sometimes it's a better understanding of ourselves. Sometimes, it's just a perfect day.” ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "There's a particular brand of pit that grows in your stomach when you know you're losing control and there's nothing you can do about it. Heavy as granite and moldering...It's the way we're built I suppose. A natural reaction to the unstoppable spin of the earth below. Forever trying to wrest control of life, love, work, and home. And when we can't get control there, we'll fight for it wherever we can. As if we think we could stop the world from spinning just by being mad." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "There's nothing in the world like being young and in love. It gives you the power to do things you would never have had the courage to do otherwise. It inspires you to make yourself vulnerable, put your heart on the line...To give more than you can give. To speak heart-felt sentiments you thought only existed in old books and flowery poetry. And it can make you forget everything except love itself. That one thing that makes life worth living. The object of your affection...Inspired by love, we can move mountains, make great changes, do great things. But we can also become so blinded by it that we forget everything, everyone. Even ourselves." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "Hasn't the statute of limitations run out for kicking yourself in the ass?" ~ Jordan Cavanaugh from 'Crossing Jordan'

   "You don't get past some things.  The best you can do is get away from them." ~ Sue from 'Crossing Jordan'

   "Sometimes you need to cross that line.  It's just a matter of how far." ~ Jordan Cavanaugh from 'Crossing Jordan'

   "The dead bodies are's the living ones that get complicated." ~ Jordan Cavanaugh from 'Crossing Jordan'

   "The most minor event can affect everything, and when that seemingly insufficient thing happens it sets everything else in motion...the most minor event can change everything...sometimes for the better, even if it doesn't seem like it at first." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "There are some things we can't control, no matter how strong we are - like a knee jerk reaction, or a janitor who has it in for you - and sometimes you let go of the control you do have in your moment of weakness." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "In the end it's the 'what ifs' that hurt the most." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "...Because in the end, things work our for the best...............or not." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "It's amazing how one simple gesture can bring you back from the brink." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "I guess the funny thing about love, you never know which way it's going.  Like me:  I lost...but at least I went down swinging." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "Sometimes the smallest victory is enough to get you through the day." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "I think the problem with most people who get what they want is that they then realize they don't want it anymore." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "In the end you learn to treasure the times when things go your way, and you learn to be there for the ones you love when they don't." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "You might find out that the very thing you hate so much is the thing you miss the most when it's gone." ~ Bob Kelso from 'Scrubs'

   "I think owning your burden is half the battle." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "There are moments when we all wish life was more like a sitcom." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "I think putting one in the win column gives us enough juice to keep going with the games we know we're not gonna win." ~ Dr. Cox from 'Scrubs'

   "All of us are gonna die someday.  For those of us who are lucky it'll be a quick and painless death.  But for the rest of us it'll be slow and painful, just like a conversation with you." ~ Dr. Cox from 'Scrubs'

   “It's hard when you lose for the first time. It's even harder when it’s the hundredth.” ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something." ~ Dr. Cox from 'Scrubs'

   "Do you even remember what you were doing the day they were passing out common sense?" ~ Dr. Cox from 'Scrubs'

   "There comes a time when every man has to make a choice, whether it's a professional choice or a personal choice.  In the end it's about integrity.  And it's about chasing after the things you want, even if it means showing  Sometimes, well sometimes it means doing something for a friend, even if it means sacrificing yourself.  When it comes down to it, you just have to be happy with the decision you make." ~JD from 'Scrubs'

   "That's not couple's therapy, that's amateur porn!" ~ Turk from 'Scrubs'

   "Dead mom jokes - always funny." ~ Eliot from 'Scrubs'

   "That was a wonderful combo of verbal diarrhea and stun silence." ~ Dr. Cox from 'Scrubs'

   "Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort you guys is while I'm sitting at home staring at the ceiling just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "Photoshop - you can do anything.  Look, here I have you wearing a duck's bill.  Know why?  Because you're a quack." ~ Janitor from 'Scrubs'

   "If you don't embrace the joke and laugh a little it'll follow you around and eat you up." ~ Elliot from 'Scrubs'

   "I didn't realize how easy it is to make stupid little mistakes." ~ Carla from 'Scrubs'

   "We are both egotistical peas in a narcisistic pod." ~ Dr. Cox from 'Scrubs'

   "Fear knocked at the door, faith answered.  There was no one there." ~ Christopher Soprano from 'The Sopranos'

   "Poverty is a great motivator." - Carmela Soprano rom 'The Sopranos'

   "I'm like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to shit. " ~ Tony Soprano from 'The Sopranos'

   "Education never stops.  It enriches all aspects of life." ~ Bob Wegler from 'The Sopranos'

   "Never pick a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel." ~ Toby Ziegler from 'The West Wing'

   "I don't mind being held to a higher standard. I mind being held to a lower one. " ~ Sam Seaborn from 'The West Wing'

   "The truth I know is an illusive idea." ~ Toby Ziegler from 'The West Wing'

   "This isn't never never land.  Believing is not enough." ~ Leo McGary from 'The West Wing'

   "You campaign in poetry, you govern in prose." ~ Leo McGary from 'The West Wing'

   "Maybe if we pay more attention to what's rendering it will render itself." ~ Jed Bartlett from 'The West Wing'

   "There's no dishonor in faliure.  The only dishonor would be not to try." ~ The new Defense Secretary from 'The West Wing'

   "I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits." ~ Jed Bartlett from 'The West Wing'

   "The best defense is an honest life." ~ Horatio Caine from 'CSI: Miami'

   "The problem with manipulation is that people can turn on you." ~ Horatio Caine from 'CSI: Miami'

   "Tomorrow's what you make of it." ~ Horatio Caine from 'CSI: Miami'

   "The truth has this funny, mysterious way of finding daylight." ~ Horatio Caine from 'CSI: Miami'

   "To find the hunter, know the game." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "Everything's relevent...until it's not." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "Every civilization learns what it needs to know and the next one forgets it." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "The best intuitions are fraught with disappointment." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "Confused - that's the best place for a scientist to be." ~ Gil Grisholm from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

   "By the way, the definition of 'retard' is 'something slowed or held back'.  Your life is about to get...retarded." ~ Gil Grisholm from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

   "Forget about making a hundred, forget about the victim, forget about the suspect and focus on the only thing that can't lie: the evidence." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "There is always a clue." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "If you chase 2 rabbits you lose them both." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "I don't believe in rules that tell me how I should live my life." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "Luck is only for those without skill." ~ Greg Sanders from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "If something doesn't feel right to you, it usually isn't." ~ Catherine Willows from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "The only thing different between kitch and beautiful is time." ~ Catherine Willows form 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "I don't think they cross the line...just that they start on the other side." ~ Catherine Willows form 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   “Never underestimate the power of a guilty conscience.” ~ Alex Eames from 'Law & Order: Criminal Intent'

   “Sometimes the good you do doesn’t do you any good” ~ Arthur Branch from 'Law & Order'

   "Humans fail.  That's what makes them human." ~ Jack McCoy from 'Law & Order'

   "Better to light a match than curse the darkness." ~ Ben Stone from 'Law & Order'

   “That's been your dating problem: pure science.” ~ Roz from 'Frasier'

   "Did you say something?  Your penis was talking so loud I couldn't hear." ~ Niles Crane from 'Frasier'

   "In the end the things we regret most are the chances we never took." ~ Frasier Crane from 'Frasier'

   "My father's engaged, my brothers having a baby, while I am left to spin on the dating hamster wheel!" ~ Frasier Crane from 'Frasier'

   "Just knowing where the behavior comes from doesn't change the behavior." ~ Brenda from 'Six Feet Under'

   “Having to admit fucked up shit about yourself fucking sucks.” ~ Rico from 'Six Feet Under'

   “Life is pain, get used to it.” ~ Linda from 'Six Feet Under'

   "Maybe it's just who I am...I just don't know if I can change.  I can't, I can't becomet his simple person living this happy litlle life." ~ Brenda from 'Six Feet Under'

   "It's all about timing and when you're gonna break from the pack." ~ Bill Rancic from 'The Apprentice'

   "Gotta focus, gotta focus...gotta look at that bird..." ~ Bart Simpson from 'The Simpsons'

   "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." ~ Charlie Brown

   "Pressure turns coal into diamonds." ~ Alonzo Boden from 'Last Comic Standing'

   "Everything's going to be alright, we have pie!" ~ Maxine from 'Judging Amy'

   "You know me, I'd be miserable if I was happy." ~ Pacey from 'Dawson's Creek'

The Paley Center and NBC counted down “TV’s 50 Funniest Phrases” in a two-hour special Tuesday night. It was hosted by Jane Krakowski of “30 Rock” and was predictably heavy on “Saturday Night Live” catchphrases.

But it was “Seinfeld’s” “Yada, yada, yada” that took No. 1, over “D’oh” from “The Simpsons” and “How you doin’” from “Friends.”

I take issue with “Burn” from “That ‘70s Show” making the top 10 (at 6), over both “Oh my god! They killed Kenny” from “South Park” and “Lucy, you’ve got some splainin’ to do” from “I Love Lucy.” So what if Ricky never quite used those words, it’s a much better known catchphrase than “Burn.”

I also take issue with “It’s going to be legendary” from "How I Met Your Mother" taking No. 11, beating everything from “Well isn’t that special” from SNL to “Eat my shorts” from “Simpsons” to “One of these days, pow, right in the kisser” from “The Honeymooners.”

(Absent for some odd reason: "Dy-no-mite" from "Good Times." Plus, as readers have pointed out, "What chu talkin' 'bout Willis?" from "Different Strokes.")

“Hated it” is right! “I’ve made a huge mistake” for real. (And if you are going to pick a quote from “Arrested Development” – and I’m so glad you did – couldn’t you also pick “Her?”)

They did a few side genres beyond comedy – reality, action adventure, sci-fi and game shows – but what about dramas? Fuhgedaboudit! I wanted to see “Everybody lies” from “House” at the very least, but they completely blew off the genre. “No soup for you!”

Top 50 comedy catchphrases
50. “Hello, Newman” from “Seinfeld”
49. “Missed it by that much” from “Get Smart”
48. “Yeah, that’s the ticket” from “Saturday Night Live”
47. “God’ll get you for that” from “Maude”
46. “Hey, Hey, Hey” from “What’s Happening”
45. “Holy crap” from “Everybody Loves Raymond”
44. “Let me show you something” from “In Living Color”
43. “Nip it” from “The Andy Griffith Show”
42. “Thank you beddy much” from “Taxi”
41. “Do you wanna hug it out” from “Entourage”
40. “Watch it sucka” from “Sanford and Son”
39. “Jane you ignorant slut” from “Saturday Night Live”
38. “Mom liked you best” from “The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour”
37. “Sit on it” from “Happy Days”
36. “Now cut that out” from “The Jack Benny Comedy Program”
35. “I’m Larry, this is my brother Darryl…” from “Newhart”
34. “What you see is what you get” from “The Flip Wilson Show”
33. “I’ve made a huge mistake” from “Arrested Development”
32. “I know nothing” from “Hogan’s Heroes”
31. “Here come de judge” from “Laugh In”
30. “You look marvelous” from “Saturday Night Live”
29. “I’m comin’ to join ya Elizabeth” from “Sanford and Son”
28. “Would you believe” from “Get Smart”
27. “Up your nose with a rubber hose” from “Welcome Back Kotter”
26. “Ohhhh Rob” from “The Dick Van Dyke Show”
25. “Kiss my grits” from “Alice:
24. “Nanu, Nanu” from “Mork and Mindy”
23. “Don’t be ridiculous” from “Perfect Strangers”
22. “I’m Gumby, damn it” from “Saturday Night Live”
21. “No soup for you” from “Seinfeld”
20. “One of these days, pow right in the kisser” from “The Honeymooners”
19. “Did I do that” from “Family Matters”
18. “Will you stifle” from “All in the Family”
17. “Eat my shorts” from “The Simpsons”
16. “Hated it” from “In Living Color”
15. “Well isn’t that special” from “Saturday Night Live”
14. “Sock it to me” from “Laugh In”
13. “We were on a break” from “Friends”
12. “That’s what she said” from “The Office”
11. “It’s going to be legendary” from “How I Met Your Mother”
10. “Homey don’t play dat” from “In Living Color”
9. “Excuuse me” from “Saturday Night Live”
8. “Lucy, you’ve got some splainin’ to do” from “I Love Lucy” (even though he never said it quite that way – the closest he came was “Lucy, splain” and “All right, start splainin’”)
7. “Oh my god! They killed Kenny” from “South Park”
6. “Burn” from “That ‘70s Show”
5. “We are two wild and crazy guys” from “Saturday Night Live”
4. “Ayyyy” from “Happy Days”
3. “How you doin’” from “Friends”
2. “D’oh” from “The Simpsons”
1. “Yada, yada, yada” from “Seinfeld”

Top 3 reality TV catchphrases
3. “The tribe has spoken” from “Survivor”
2. “That’s hot” from “The Simple Life"
1. “You’re fired” from “The Apprentice”

Top 3 game shows catchphrases
3. “Come on down” from “The Price is Right”
2. “Deal or no deal” from “Deal or No Deal”
1. “Is that your final answer” from “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”

Top 3 science fiction catchphrases
3. “You’ve just crossed over into ‘The Twilight Zone’” from “The Twilight Zone”
2. “Trust no one” from “X-Files”
1. “Scotty, beam us up” from “Star Trek”

Top 3 action adventure catchphrases
3. “One other thing…” from “Columbo”
2. “De plane! De plane!” from “Fantasy Island”
1. “Who loves ya, baby” from “Kojak”
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The Office Funny Quotes

The Office Funny Quotes Biography
Does your boss say stupid things? Then you have something in common with Jim, Pam, and the rest of the employees of Dunder Mifflin. Check below for just some of the funny lines thrown out at the office.

Have more funny quotes from The Office? Share them with other fans on The Office message boards.

The Office Quotes:

"This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago."
- Michael in Pilot

"I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third."
- Michael in Pilot

"One word, two syllables: Demarcation."
- Dwight in Pilot

"I think if I was allergic to dairy I'd kill myself."
- Michael in The Alliance

"This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her."
- Pam in The Alliance

"I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate... no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it... Nike."
- Michael in Hot Girl

"A lot of the people here don't get trophies very often, like Meridith or Kevin. I mean who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?"
- Michael in The Dundies

"TMI? Too Much Information. It’s just easier to say 'TMI'. I used to say "don't go there", but that's lame."
- Michael in The Dundies

"The dundies are kinda like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there, but the kid's having a really good time so you're kinda there. That's kinda what it's like."
- Oscar in The Dundies

"Yay, Kevin! Woohoo for Kevin, for stinking up the bathroom."
- Pam in The Dundies

"Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a 'ladies room' for a reason. And if you can not behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom."
- Dwight in The Dundies

"This scented candle...andle...andle, that I found in the men's, represents the eternal burning of competition... or something."
- Jim in Office Olympics

"I'm an early bird and I'm a night owl, so I'm wise and have worms."
- Michael in Office Olympics

"I'm like... Mr. Miyagi and Yoda, rolled into one."
- Michael in The Fire

"Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like The Lone Ranger and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was The Lone Ranger and Tonto and Bonto."
- Dwight in The Fire

"I hope the war goes on forever and that Ryan gets drafted."
- Dwight in The Fire

"I'm guessing Angela is the one in the neighborhood that gives the trick-or-treaters toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts."
- Pam in Halloween

"I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60s I made love to many, many women - often outdoors in the mud and the rain - and it's possible that a man slipped in. There'd be no way of knowing..."

"The Office" is a nonstop riot; it pairs off the wall characters with the everyday issues of working in an office. This television show is the remake of a British Comedy, but it puts its archetype to shame. The cast of "The Office" is led by Michael Scott, who is played by Steve Carell.
Throughout this show's many seasons it has been known for it's witty, wacky, and one of a kind brand of humor. There were some tough, almost heartbreaking, decisions made when making this list; but with no further delay, here is a list of the top 10 funniest quotes from "The Office."

1. "Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make."

2. "There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "What if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?" He said, "if I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

3. There's always a distance between a boss and the employees, its just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly. It's the awareness that they are not me.

4. Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say 'Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth.

5. Do I want to be feared or loved? Um... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."

6. I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments, and that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up.

7. Facts. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

8. "I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate... no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it... Nike."

9. "I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60s I made love to many, many women - often outdoors in the mud and the rain - and it's possible that a man slipped in. There'd be no way of knowing..."

10. "Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil."

"The Office" is one of the funniest television shows you are ever going to have the privilege to watch. If the 10 funniest quotes from "The Office" tickled your funny bone, check out the show. It is funnier that a polar bear in a penguin suit.
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Funny Kids Quotes

Funny Kids Quotes Source Biography
Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there's always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires.

Marcelene Cox

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

Abraham Kaplan

You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.

John Ciardi

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.

Franklin P. Jones

People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources--all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry.

Paul Reiser, Babyhood

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Phyllis Diller

Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

Alan Bleasdale

Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed.

Robert Gallagher

I think we’re seeing in working mothers a change from “Thank God it’s Friday” to “Thank God it’s Monday.” If any working mother has not experienced that feeling, her children are not adolescent.

Ann Diehl: Vogue Jan 85

I was cesarean born. You can't really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through a window.

Steven Wright

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

Gracie Allen

Parents: persons who spend half their time worrying how a child will turn out, and the rest of the time wondering when a child will turn in.

Ted Cook

Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next.

Franklin P. Jones

It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.

Chinese Proverb

No animal is so inexhaustible as an excited infant.

Amy Leslie

A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.

Mark Twain

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going.

P.J O'Rourke

Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Bobby looked up and innocently replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

Source: Mikey’s Funnies

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

“They think we have an accent,” she replied.

“But they have an accent, right?”, Brent asked. “They talk funny?”

“Everybody talks in different ways” she tried to explain. “To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out.”

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, “Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?”

Source: Good Clean Fun

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. “The secret,” she said, “is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.”

The boy looked at her quizzically… “Why does it have to be a secret?”

Source: Good Clean Fun

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”

The Mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear,” she said. “I have to sleep with Daddy.”

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie’s house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

“But, Mom,” he said, brightening, “you don’t have to worry about buying another one. Charlie’s mother said it was irreplaceable.”

My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie’s house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

“But, Mom,” he said, brightening, “you don’t have to worry about buying another one. Charlie’s mother said it was irreplaceable.”

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was and I told him, “62.”

He was quiet for a moment, then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

A mother’s four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn’t budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.

At the end of the show, she exclaimed, “I know what I want to be when I grow up!”

The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades.

She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued, “I want to be a zamboni driver!”
Parents are expected to participate in their children’s education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, Andrew, whenever he’s stumped. One day after school, Andrew ran into the house waving a paper in the air. “Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework,” he announced. “You made one, Dad made one and I made one!”

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer.

Never tell your Mom her diet’s not working.

Stay away from prunes.

Don’t pull Dad’s finger when he tells you to.

Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she’s on the phone.
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