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Funny Quotes Funny Quotes Biography
"As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" --Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, in an interview with CNBC "Kudlow & Co."
"Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." --President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008
"See, Barack's been talking down to black people on this faith-based...I want to cut his nuts off." --Jesse Jackson, caught on microphone during a FOX News interview
"I will veto every single beer." --John McCain, misspeaking while trying to say he will veto every "bill" (Read more McCainisms)
"(McCain's) buttocks are unremarkable except for some very light tan freckling" --John McCain's oncologist, Dr. Suzanne Connolly of the Mayo Clinic, according to his medical records (hat tip to The Daily Show)
"But it's not impossible for Hillary Clinton to win. A lot of people have said that. Big Russ, if he were sitting here today -- nothing's impossible. Jack McAuliffe, if they were with us today, they're probably both in heaven right now Tim, probably having a scotch, looking down saying, you know what: this fight goes on. It's good for the Democratic Party. Millions of people coming out to vote, it's exciting." --Clinton adviser Terry McAuliffe, speaking to Tim Russert about his father, "Big Russ," who is still very much alive. Russert replied, "Big Russ is in the Barcalounger still watching this. God bless him."
"Now that's my phone buzzing there. I don't want you to think I'm getting fresh or anything." --Barack Obama, while posing for a picture with supporters in Indiana, when he apparently felt his phone start to vibrate in his pocket, against which one woman was closely pressed
"I truly believe that that is going to take an individual that has testicular fortitude." --Paul Gibson, president of the Sheet Metal Workers' Union, explaining at a Hillary Clinton rally why she has the strength to take on tough problems like NAFTA
"So?" --Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent after she cited a recent poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth fighting
"In my White House, we will know who wears the pantsuits." --Hillary Clinton, on the role her husband will play in her administration (Watch video clip; read more Hillary quips)
"Hillary's gonna be our girl...I would campaign for her if McCain is the nominee." --Ann Coulter, arguing that Clinton is more conservative than McCain
"When we were in college we used to take a popcorn popper -- because that was the only thing they would let us have in the dorms -- and fry squirrels in the popcorn popper." --Mike Huckabee, completely freaking us out
"I'm sure a lot of you have tripped out on alcohol. It's a lot safer to do it on marijuana" --Democratic presidential candidate Mike Gravel, speaking to high school students
"You don't have money to fund the war on children, but you're going to spend it to blow up innocent people? If he can get enough kids to grow old enough for you to send to Iraq to get their heads blown off for the president's amusement." --Rep. Peter Stark (D-CA)
"I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." --Sen. Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins
"We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say." --Ann Coulter, arguing that it would be better if we were all Christian
"You know what you can do with all respect? You can combine how I deal with cancer with how I deal with the White House press corps. Because they're both insidious, invasive. They both have to be wiped out." --Bill O'Reilly, advising former White House press secretary Tony Snow
"My job is a decision-making job. And as a result, I make a lot of decisions." --The Decider, George W. Bush
"If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president. It's kind of a pipe dream, it's a personal fantasy of mine, but I don't think it's going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women." --Ann Coulter
"The phony soldiers." --Rush Limbaugh, on U.S. service members who support withdrawal from Iraq
"I couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship. ... There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea.'" --Bill O'Reilly, after dining with Rev. Al Sharpton and the famed Harlem restaurant, Sylvia's
"As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." --George W. Bush, on the No Child Left Behind Act, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2007 (Watch video clip)
"In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country." --Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, addressing the United Nations
"Don't tase me, bro!" --University of Florida student Andrew Meyer, to police officers just before being tasered for resisting arrest after asking too many annoying questions at a John Kerry event
"We're kicking ass." --President George W. Bush, on the security situation in Iraq, to Australia Deputy Prime Minister Mark Vaile, Sydney, Australia, Sept. 5, 2007
"I've got God's shoulder to cry on. And I cry a lot. I do a lot of crying in this job. I'll bet I've shed more tears than you can count, as president." --President George W. Bush, as quoted by author Robert Draper in Dead Certain
"We Bushes cry easily." --President George Bush Sr., in 1989
"He's too snore-y and stinky, they don't want to ever get into bed with him." --Michelle Obama, on her daughters' refusal to crawl into bed in the morning with her husband Barack
"Embarrassing, embarrassing. No wonder why we're going down the tubes." --Sgt. Dave Karsnia, during his interrogation of Sen. Larry Craig after arresting him for trying to solicit sex in an airport men's room
"Thank you all very much for coming out today." --Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho), at the beginning of his remarks to reporters in which he insisted he was "not gay"
"I have a wide stance." --Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho), explaining why he was arrested for lewd private behavior at an airport restroom, in which an undercover police officer caught him playing footsie in an apparent attempt to solicit sex
"What do you think about that?" --Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho), after handing his Senate business card to the police officer who arrested him for lewd conduct
"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, um, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future." --Miss South Carolina Teen Lauren Caitlin Upton, after being asked why 1/5th of 1/5th of Americans can't locate the U.S on a world map.
"My sons are all adults and they've made decisions about their careers and they've chosen not to serve in the military and active duty and I respect their decision in that regard. One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president." --Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney
"You look at that Democratic debate, I had to laugh at what I saw Barack Obama do. I mean in one week he went from saying he's going to sit down, you know, for tea, with our enemies, but then he's going to bomb our allies. I mean he's gone from Jane Fonda to Dr. Strangelove in one week." --Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney
"You know, in the horror movie you kill the monster, and the hand re-emerges. And if you're not looking, the hand grows back and then the monster's there again. That cannot be allowed to happen." --Rudy Giuliani, on fighting terror
"At my age, any scream is a good scream." --Former President Bill Clinton, on an Iowa woman mistaking him for Bob Barker
"All these things give me kind of a gut feeling, not that I have a specific threat that I have in mind right now, but we are entering a period of increased vulnerability." --Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, on terrorism threats
"Well, I guess I don't know what you mean by 'equal justice under the law.'" --White House spokesman Scott Stanzel, after being asked if Scooter Libby was getting equal justice under the law
"PETA is not happy that my dog likes fresh air." --Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, on why he strapped his dog to the roof his car
"I'm from Hope, Arkansas, you may have heard of it. All I'm asking is, give us one more chance." --Former Arkansas Governor and presidential candidates Mike Huckabee, getting in a dig at Bill Clinton during a Republican presidential debate
"I think it's a pity there isn't a hell for him to go to." --Christopher Hitchens, on Rev. Jerry Falwell
"Friends, the press and the government are in bed together in an embrace so intimate and wrong, they could spoon on a twin mattress and still have room for Ted Koppel. Journalists used to questions the reasons for war and expose abuse of power. Now, like toothless babies, they suckle on the sugary teat of misinformation and poop it into the diaper we call the 6:00 News. Demand more of your government. Demand more of your press." --Kent Brockman, on The Simpsons
"F**k you! I know more about this than anyone else in the room." --Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), to Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX), during a testy exchange about immigration legislation
"We've had a Congress that's spent money like John Edwards at a beauty shop." --Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee
"I was very sick the day of the debate. I had all of the problems with the flu and bronchitis that you have, including running to the bathroom. I was just hanging on. I could not wait until the debate got off so I could go to the bathroom." --Republican presidential hopeful Tommy Thompson, on why he said at a GOP presidential debate that an employer should be allowed to fire a gay worker, after previously having blamed his hearing aid
"It's nice to be on the receiving end of one." --a clue going Down in Bill Clinton's crossword puzzle
"As for the one Mormon running for office, those who really believe in God will defeat him anyway." --Rev. Al Sharpton, on Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney
"As you know, my position is clear -- I'm the Commander Guy." --George W. Bush, the president formerly known as "
Funny Quotes Funny Quotes Biography
"As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" --Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, in an interview with CNBC "Kudlow & Co."
"Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." --President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008
"See, Barack's been talking down to black people on this faith-based...I want to cut his nuts off." --Jesse Jackson, caught on microphone during a FOX News interview
"I will veto every single beer." --John McCain, misspeaking while trying to say he will veto every "bill" (Read more McCainisms)
"(McCain's) buttocks are unremarkable except for some very light tan freckling" --John McCain's oncologist, Dr. Suzanne Connolly of the Mayo Clinic, according to his medical records (hat tip to The Daily Show)
"But it's not impossible for Hillary Clinton to win. A lot of people have said that. Big Russ, if he were sitting here today -- nothing's impossible. Jack McAuliffe, if they were with us today, they're probably both in heaven right now Tim, probably having a scotch, looking down saying, you know what: this fight goes on. It's good for the Democratic Party. Millions of people coming out to vote, it's exciting." --Clinton adviser Terry McAuliffe, speaking to Tim Russert about his father, "Big Russ," who is still very much alive. Russert replied, "Big Russ is in the Barcalounger still watching this. God bless him."
"Now that's my phone buzzing there. I don't want you to think I'm getting fresh or anything." --Barack Obama, while posing for a picture with supporters in Indiana, when he apparently felt his phone start to vibrate in his pocket, against which one woman was closely pressed
"I truly believe that that is going to take an individual that has testicular fortitude." --Paul Gibson, president of the Sheet Metal Workers' Union, explaining at a Hillary Clinton rally why she has the strength to take on tough problems like NAFTA
"So?" --Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent after she cited a recent poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth fighting
"In my White House, we will know who wears the pantsuits." --Hillary Clinton, on the role her husband will play in her administration (Watch video clip; read more Hillary quips)
"Hillary's gonna be our girl...I would campaign for her if McCain is the nominee." --Ann Coulter, arguing that Clinton is more conservative than McCain
"When we were in college we used to take a popcorn popper -- because that was the only thing they would let us have in the dorms -- and fry squirrels in the popcorn popper." --Mike Huckabee, completely freaking us out
"I'm sure a lot of you have tripped out on alcohol. It's a lot safer to do it on marijuana" --Democratic presidential candidate Mike Gravel, speaking to high school students
"You don't have money to fund the war on children, but you're going to spend it to blow up innocent people? If he can get enough kids to grow old enough for you to send to Iraq to get their heads blown off for the president's amusement." --Rep. Peter Stark (D-CA)
"I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." --Sen. Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins
"We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say." --Ann Coulter, arguing that it would be better if we were all Christian
"You know what you can do with all respect? You can combine how I deal with cancer with how I deal with the White House press corps. Because they're both insidious, invasive. They both have to be wiped out." --Bill O'Reilly, advising former White House press secretary Tony Snow
"My job is a decision-making job. And as a result, I make a lot of decisions." --The Decider, George W. Bush
"If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president. It's kind of a pipe dream, it's a personal fantasy of mine, but I don't think it's going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women." --Ann Coulter
"The phony soldiers." --Rush Limbaugh, on U.S. service members who support withdrawal from Iraq
"I couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship. ... There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea.'" --Bill O'Reilly, after dining with Rev. Al Sharpton and the famed Harlem restaurant, Sylvia's
"As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." --George W. Bush, on the No Child Left Behind Act, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2007 (Watch video clip)
"In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country." --Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, addressing the United Nations
"Don't tase me, bro!" --University of Florida student Andrew Meyer, to police officers just before being tasered for resisting arrest after asking too many annoying questions at a John Kerry event
"We're kicking ass." --President George W. Bush, on the security situation in Iraq, to Australia Deputy Prime Minister Mark Vaile, Sydney, Australia, Sept. 5, 2007
"I've got God's shoulder to cry on. And I cry a lot. I do a lot of crying in this job. I'll bet I've shed more tears than you can count, as president." --President George W. Bush, as quoted by author Robert Draper in Dead Certain
"We Bushes cry easily." --President George Bush Sr., in 1989
"He's too snore-y and stinky, they don't want to ever get into bed with him." --Michelle Obama, on her daughters' refusal to crawl into bed in the morning with her husband Barack
"Embarrassing, embarrassing. No wonder why we're going down the tubes." --Sgt. Dave Karsnia, during his interrogation of Sen. Larry Craig after arresting him for trying to solicit sex in an airport men's room
"Thank you all very much for coming out today." --Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho), at the beginning of his remarks to reporters in which he insisted he was "not gay"
"I have a wide stance." --Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho), explaining why he was arrested for lewd private behavior at an airport restroom, in which an undercover police officer caught him playing footsie in an apparent attempt to solicit sex
"What do you think about that?" --Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho), after handing his Senate business card to the police officer who arrested him for lewd conduct
"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, um, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future." --Miss South Carolina Teen Lauren Caitlin Upton, after being asked why 1/5th of 1/5th of Americans can't locate the U.S on a world map.
"My sons are all adults and they've made decisions about their careers and they've chosen not to serve in the military and active duty and I respect their decision in that regard. One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president." --Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney
"You look at that Democratic debate, I had to laugh at what I saw Barack Obama do. I mean in one week he went from saying he's going to sit down, you know, for tea, with our enemies, but then he's going to bomb our allies. I mean he's gone from Jane Fonda to Dr. Strangelove in one week." --Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney
"You know, in the horror movie you kill the monster, and the hand re-emerges. And if you're not looking, the hand grows back and then the monster's there again. That cannot be allowed to happen." --Rudy Giuliani, on fighting terror
"At my age, any scream is a good scream." --Former President Bill Clinton, on an Iowa woman mistaking him for Bob Barker
"All these things give me kind of a gut feeling, not that I have a specific threat that I have in mind right now, but we are entering a period of increased vulnerability." --Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, on terrorism threats
"Well, I guess I don't know what you mean by 'equal justice under the law.'" --White House spokesman Scott Stanzel, after being asked if Scooter Libby was getting equal justice under the law
"PETA is not happy that my dog likes fresh air." --Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, on why he strapped his dog to the roof his car
"I'm from Hope, Arkansas, you may have heard of it. All I'm asking is, give us one more chance." --Former Arkansas Governor and presidential candidates Mike Huckabee, getting in a dig at Bill Clinton during a Republican presidential debate
"I think it's a pity there isn't a hell for him to go to." --Christopher Hitchens, on Rev. Jerry Falwell
"Friends, the press and the government are in bed together in an embrace so intimate and wrong, they could spoon on a twin mattress and still have room for Ted Koppel. Journalists used to questions the reasons for war and expose abuse of power. Now, like toothless babies, they suckle on the sugary teat of misinformation and poop it into the diaper we call the 6:00 News. Demand more of your government. Demand more of your press." --Kent Brockman, on The Simpsons
"F**k you! I know more about this than anyone else in the room." --Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), to Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX), during a testy exchange about immigration legislation
"We've had a Congress that's spent money like John Edwards at a beauty shop." --Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee
"I was very sick the day of the debate. I had all of the problems with the flu and bronchitis that you have, including running to the bathroom. I was just hanging on. I could not wait until the debate got off so I could go to the bathroom." --Republican presidential hopeful Tommy Thompson, on why he said at a GOP presidential debate that an employer should be allowed to fire a gay worker, after previously having blamed his hearing aid
"It's nice to be on the receiving end of one." --a clue going Down in Bill Clinton's crossword puzzle
"As for the one Mormon running for office, those who really believe in God will defeat him anyway." --Rev. Al Sharpton, on Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney
"As you know, my position is clear -- I'm the Commander Guy." --George W. Bush, the president formerly known as "
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